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There are some strange adages that I hear from time to time that give me pause. While I get their meaning, I wonder where the actual wording came from.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Why would you want to have a bird in your hand?

Kill two birds with one stone
This phrase is generally used when people find a way to accomplish two tasks at once. But the phrase doesn’t say anything about simultaneous events. All it says is that you can kill one bird with a stone, pick it up, and then kill another bird later on with the same stone. A little obvious to me. It’s not like stones get damaged very easily. It sounds like this is more about stone-recycling than bird slaughter. But is there a stone shortage that I’m not aware of? Has there been a run in the market on rocks? And if there has, can’t we just use other items…like, say a gun?

A watched pot never boils.
Not true. I saw it happen once.

A picture is worth a thousand words.
Not in Scrabble.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
This is just bad science. Given constant acceration and a gravimetric object of sufficient size (all else being equal) a large object and a small oject will fall at the same speed, for the same amount of time, and land with the same hardness. I don’t think they thought this one through before uttering for the first time.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
Yup, just ask any garbage man or newspaper delivery boy.

If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?
First of all, when has this ever happened? In the history of the world has there ever been a mass bridge jumping? Second, yes. If everyone else is jumping off a bridge, then there’s probably a pretty good reason – like Godzilla and Mothra are finally duking it out and the bridge is your only choice to live. But even if everyone jumped off the bridge and died, I’d still do it because there’d obviously be no one left to live with. The depression would become overwhelming and I’d make the leap eventually.

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
Why would you want to collect flies?

It’s always darkest before the dawn.
First of all, this astronomically inaccurate. Second, is this supposed to lift your spirits? You’re basically saying, “Dude, this will eventually end, but it’s really going to suck along the way. And just when you think things can’t get any worse, they do. Because things always get worse before the end.” Uhh, thanks, but I think I’ll jump off a bridge now.

It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.
No, it’s whether you win or lose. Otherwise it’s not a game, it’s just a bunch of people hanging around with toys.

Like shooting fish in a barrel
Who puts fish in a barrel and then shoots them? Does the barrel have water in it? Do the fish even have a fighting chance? This all seems very unsportsmanlike, to me.

Like taking candy from a baby
Actually, that would be a good thing. Babies shouldn’t have candy. They can choke on it, it ruins their eating and sleeping cycles, it can lead to diabetes down the road… We should all be taking candy from babies and doing them a favor.

Proverb Math

If knowing is half the battle and admitting there is a problem is half the battle, then the person who knows there’s a problem and admits it has completed the whole battle and needs to do nothing else.

If you put your two cents in and someone gives you a penny for your thoughts, where does the other penny go?

If a picture is worth a thousand words, but talk is cheap, then how much is a picture actually worth?

And finally, a few contradictory sayings. Which ones should we go with?

The early bird catches the worm.	<---->	The second mouse gets the cheese.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease.	<---->	The nail that stands up get hammered down.
Actions speak louder than words.	<---->	The pen is mightier than the sword.
Knowledge is power.	<---->	Ignorance is bliss.
Look before you leap.	<---->	He who hesitates is lost.
It always darkest before the dawn.	<---->	This is the calm before the storm.
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.	<---->	Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
Clothes make the man.	<---->	Don’t judge a book by its cover.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.	<---->	Better safe than sorry.
Money talks.	<---->	Talk is cheap.
The only thing constant is change.	<---->	The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Two heads are better than one.	<---->	If you want something done right, do it yourself.
Many hands make light work.	<---->	Too many cooks spoil the broth.
Birds of a feather flock together.	<---->	Opposites attract.
The bigger, the better.	<---->	The best things come in small packages.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.	<---->	Out of sight, out of mind.
What will be, will be.	<---->	Life is what you make it.
Cross your bridges when you come to them.	<---->	Chance favors the prepared.
With age comes wisdom.	<---->	All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten.
The more, the merrier.	<---->	Two’s company, three’s a crowd.